Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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