That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
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Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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