you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I met the friendliest cop last night
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
