i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
