Are we in a gay sports bar?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
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FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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