I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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