Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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