There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
