All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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