They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Randomize
