I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
