Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
