I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have fence marks all over my body
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
