my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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