why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
