I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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