I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
