I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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