smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize