hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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