Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
