were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
