he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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