Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
