I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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