My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
