I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
