The maid of honor just puked.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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