They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
