Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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