if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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