She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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