ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
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I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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