my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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