I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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