1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
