Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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