From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
