to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
