I skipped work to stalk him.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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