Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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