dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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