no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
