If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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