she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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