you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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