after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
