He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Duck Duck Cougar?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
