I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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