I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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