Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
