Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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