Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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