remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
