proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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