I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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