hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
